Forward Motion

Something that runs out and in

Something that runs from regret

Something that runs to forget

Something that used to come, but now goes.

Something that moves fast, but also slow.

                                                                     Time.

The tick-tock of the clock

And the hands that dictate appointments and the seasons.

We are tethered to tick-tock

So summer comes and goes

And we forget how slow time went

Until we see the first glimpse of  snow

                                                           And we remember

Just how fast the tick-tock goes.

I am changing faster than the hands can follow

A glimpse, a song, and then I am different

A word of mouth and a sinner’s prayer

A moment of ugly that keeps me there.

But the tick tock of the clock is slower than I--

Two steps back.

                                                           Patient rewind.

Only then will I again be friends with

                                                              Time.

A Rainy Day Blog

In case you haven't noticed, northern California has finally made the decision to submit to Fall. Pumpkin Patches have opened, the clouds have rolled in, and my crockpot has been very pleased with its creation of soups as of late.

Fall has always been my favorite season: There is something remarkably beautiful about gloomy, rainy, and brisk days which lend itself to book-reading, tea-drinking, and the introspective pleasures of life. When I was younger (and perhaps more able to create and daydream), I read Jane Eyre every October to christen the Fall season. I could probably quote the book by heart by now, but I won't bore you with that.

I re-discovered something about myself this week; it wasn't a new discovery at all, it was just the sort of discovery you realize you always knew until you forgot.....

Here was the discovery: I die a little bit when I lack creative space. Not to be overdramatic, (but it's my blog and you're deciding to read it so... you're over it) but when I lack the ability to create, a very real part of me ceases to be as vibrant or effective as it once was. I begin to coast, losing interest, going on auto-pilot. Living through my DOING, rather than creating because it reminds me that I'm alive. It is a peculiar and fantastic thing when I able to transform my day into one which falls outside the norm of the 9-5; I become myself again. I regain humor, I regain a deeper appreciation for everything around me. The world regains its color, and my spiritual clock....ticks. 

There is a very real (and somewhat reclusive) part of me that imagines a life where all I ever did  was write, read, teach, think, sing, and write again.  I picture myself like Jane Eyre; plain and content by the fireplace.

I am a creative person, and I need to stop being embarrassed of that. Furthermore... everyone else needs to stop telling creative people to operate more like 'them.' Listen... we don't ask you to sit and write for hours, thinking of every philosophical idea in the world. Please stop telling us what 'real' work looks like. A piece of music is just as valuable, if not more, than a spreadsheet. A pair of ballet shoes can change as many lives as professional Coach pumps. Also...when did the investment in personal relationships become 'distractions' rather than assets?

I'm not sure how to make creativity valuable to the workplace, or how to show people why it is vital... but I AM sure of this: Creativity is valuable and vital to me. I can't live in a world where I'm choosing to stifle who I am just to match everyone else's "normal." 

Just trust me on this one: It will benefit EVERYONE if I am who God created me to be.

~Rachel~

Uniting the Head and the Heart in a Pentecostal World

Here's a little snippet I wrote on a relatively controversial worship expression. As a full-blown, self-proclaimed Pentecostal (or Charismatic--whichever you prefer) worship pastor, I often encounter questions asking how I 'Biblically' explain my beliefs on charismatic expressions of worship. I am a HUGE proponent of the head and the heart being friends. Meaning, we should be able to--Dare I say, we should find JOY in, explaining and studying everything our heart is feeling when it comes to our worshipful expressions of God, as well as any manifestations of the Holy Spirit we have the privilege of experiencing.  I hope everyone enjoys! I welcome any feedback :). Please keep in mind--these are my opinions, and this is not a collegiate Theological or exegetical discussion. Ha Ha. I'll save those for another day....

Christian Perspective: Slain in the....What?!

The subject of being “slain in the Spirit” is perhaps one of the most controversial topics among the Christian population. Even those who have been raised ‘Pentecostal,’ or ‘Charismatic,’ accepting the doctrine and belief of Baptism in the Spirit (accompanied by the initial physical evidence of speaking in tongues) are a little wary of embracing the idea of being ‘slain.’ In light of  disheartening evidence provided against fraudulent Charismatic leaders such as Benny Hinn—popular for ‘slaying’ in the Spirit, it  is no surprise when one encounters a nervous or even angry expression when the subject of being ‘slain’ enters in to a discussion room

That being said, I believe it is important to state a few things:

1. It has never been, nor will ever be, God’s will to have a divisive culture among the Church that centers on beliefs that are NOT ‘Salvation issues.’  Rather, we are called to ‘bear with one another,’ using kindness, gentleness, and the unity of peace as we strive to seek the Father’s heart while ‘working out’ our Salvation as a corporate body of believers. (Ephesians 4:1-5) It is imperative to our Christian walk to keep an attitude of humility as we strive to understand more of God’s Word in its entirety.
          Understanding the ENTIRETY of the Scriptures includes developing our opinions, perspectives, and beliefs on sensitive or controversial topics (such as speaking in tongues, women in ministry, divine healing, etc.).  As Christians, through prayer, discernment, and thorough study, we are called to develop our orthopraxy from the roots of our orthodoxy.

2. God is a Sovereign God. (1 Chronicles 29:11, Isaiah 46:9-10) In laymens terms: He can do whatever He wants. He is all-knowing, all powerful, and all-sufficient. We will NEVER understand the mind of God, and we will never be able to fully grasp the entirety of the Scriptures or the fullness of His being (Isaiah 55:9). We are simply called to be good stewards of our faith, our heart, our souls, and our minds… choosing to press in to the greater things of God—never becoming complacent or satisfied with where we are at spiritually. We should always strive to know more ABOUT God, and have a deeper relationship WITH God. (Knowing ABOUT God and KNOWING God.)

3. God is a God of the miraculous and supernatural— In fact, all throughout Scripture, we see instances of God performing acts that are NOT of this natural world—He heals the sick and blind, He has united and divided nations, He casts out demons, and He is ruler of Heaven and Earth. All throughout Scripture, we see instances of God’s miraculous and supernatural acts. We also see evidence of Him working TODAY. If you have ever studied a revival, witnessed a miraculous healing, or experienced the overwhelming inner peace that often comes during times of intimate worship, you understand: God is a God of the supernatural and of the miraculous. (Acts 4:30, John 4:48, Romans 15:19, Exodus 4:30, Luke 8:43-48 are just SOME examples)

               
 Now that I have stated those three necessary truths, we can proceed with our discussion.

What Does Being ‘Slain’ Entail?

Sociologist Margaret Poloma defines slaying in the Spirit as, “The power of the Holy Spirit so filling a person with a heightened inner awareness that the body’s energy fades away and the person collapses to the floor.” Being ‘Slain in the Spirit’ simply entails the act of being so overcome by the presence of God that you are no longer able to stand.
             Revivalists such as Charles Finney and John Wesley describe such situations in the revivals which took place during the first Great Awakening. Charles Finney and John Wesley both reported in their writings that hundreds of people would fall out of their pews and lay flat on the floor (under the influence or conviction of the Spirit) while they were preaching. There are also several instances of famous preachers such as D L Moody, George Muler, or John Calvin who reported ‘falling over’ under the awe and wonder they felt by the presence of God during prayer or worship time.  

       

  Is Being “Slain in the Spirit” Biblical?

               Much like the word “Trinity,” The Bible never uses the term ‘Slain in the Spirit.’ The term came in to existence around the late 1700’s. However, there are many Biblical accounts which support the idea of being ‘slain’ or ‘overcome’ by the presence of God. The Bible gives several accounts of people falling ‘prostrate’ before God when they encountered His presence in BOTH the Old and New Testament. (Deuteronomy 26:10, 1 Samuel 1:19, 1 Chronicles 29:20, John 9:38, Acts 24:11) In these accounts, people would either ‘fall as dead’ flat on their face before God (typically in a time of heavy conviction), or they would become weak at the knees and need to bow to the floor, kneel, or lay flat.  There are also SEVERAL instances in the Bible where believers encountered very strange or obscure manifestations of the Spirit (e.g., Dan. 8:17,18, Acts 9:3,4. Rev. 1:17)

                                         What About ‘Being Slain’ Today?
 In modern-day portrayals of people being Slain in the Spirit, we often see people falling straight backwards (often having a catcher, and… need I mention, ‘modesty cloth’ holders for when they fall in unflattering positions). I am not making the statement that God doesn’t overcome people by having them fall backwards. However, I am making the statement that any time the Bible mentions people falling prostrate before God or being unable to stand, it is not recorded to be an act of falling backwards or an event which is brought on under the influence of an incredibly long and heightened emotional service (As we have probably all witnessed at some junction of our Pentecostal experiences) . It is a relatively rare occurrence in which God is dealing with an individual on a VERY deep and inner-spiritual level.  
             However, going back to point two and three of my imperative factors in dissecting the ideology of being Slain in the Spirit… God is Sovereign, can do whatever He wants, and is in the business of the Supernatural and miraculous. If He causes a person to fall backwards under the influence of His Holy Spirit, far be it for me to tell that person their encounter with God was fraudulent. I hope we all tread lightly when it comes to the gift of ‘spiritual certainty,’ or believing we have the right to judge and discern one’s spiritual encounter if it does not go against fundamental Biblical principles.

Individually, I have encountered several times in Worship where I felt the overwhelming need to kneel or lay flat on my back or face. In those moments, I felt like I couldn’t POSSIBLY stand another second in the presence of God. I would explain those situations as ‘mini’ experiences of being slain, or overcome, by the Spirit. I have also had the experience where an anointed preacher has prayed over me, and I felt my knees start to tremble. In those moments, I was always aware that if I let my body let go of control, I would fall to the ground. However, I am embarrassed to say—I usually let my mind get in the way of succumbing to my body’s response to what God is trying to do in me. In a corporate setting, I am far too eager to remain in control of my personal appearance in worship. God forbid I get a little to ‘caught up’ in the presence of God. I hope one day I will overcome the fear of other’s opinions and release myself into the perfect love, order, and peace that is available through all postures of worship available in Christ.

                                     Being Slain in the Spirit in a Corporate Setting
1 Corinthians 14 makes it VERY clear that God is a God of order. He does not like chaos, and He NEVER desires we do something which could be potentially harmful to unbelievers (or even young believers who do not understand certain sensitive or charismatic topics.) We should NEVER seek out an experience of emotionalism or manipulate the presence of God to move. As believers, the Holy Spirit lives INSIDE of us… though we need to make ourselves aware of His presence and His movement, we also need to be aware that He is already with us at all times, working in us and through us. In ALL things, our faith and our expression of worship should be centered around the Truth of the  Gospel… if we are seeking out an ‘experience’ with God but do not understand the depth of The Gospel and our Salvation, our efforts are in vain, and they are wrong.  It is imperative to live out our walk with Christ by living in accordance with His will in our day to day lives. Heightened spiritual ‘encounters’  or experiences are not the mark of one’s Sanctification through Christ: Those encounters and experiences are a gift that is given to us for a specific time and purpose—and they should ALWAYS be edifying to the entire church body if the encounters of heightened supernatural experience (Slain in the Spirit, speaking in tongues, divine healing, etc.) are experienced in a corporate setting. Though these experiences are wonderful, valid, and important to a person’s relationship with God, they are NOT the point of our Salvation and walk of Faith. The Gospel is the point…. Everything we do should flow out of a thorough understanding of who Jesus Christ is, what He has done for us, and our purpose because of the gift we have been given.

The National Assemblies of God Fellowship Puts it This Way:  
“A move of God which includes manifestations of the Holy Spirit, must always be welcome in the Church. Yet we must be careful to keep our focus and desire on Jesus Christ rather than on any manifestation. In our seeking we must willingly obey God’s Word in everything we do. We must also realize that when God creatively pours out His Spirit on a person in a way that is not recorded in Scripture, it is not intended to be a normative experience for either the individual or the church.

How can we recognize a Spirit prompted and controlled manifestation? Does it bring glory to Jesus and edify the Body? The confirmation that a spiritual experience is real and biblical lies in the spiritual growth of the believer. Is there a humility that lifts up Jesus? Is the believer becoming more and more like Jesus? Are the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and self-control—increased after a personal experience in the presence of our Lord? These fruit will have a direct effect on one’s testimony and will ultimately draw others to Christ.”

What Now?

It is my hope and prayer that as The Church, we would earnestly desire all Spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians 14:1), but that we would do so FIRST by striving to understand the POINT of our Salvation. May we press in to the greater things of God wholeheartedly, embracing the move of the Spirit while maintaining an eager desire to study and seek understanding of each manifestation’s proper place in the life of the individual, and in the functioning Corporate Body (The Church).

Freedom.

 “I forgive you.”
 Three words that can take a lifetime to truly mean.
 

Sometimes I think living in unforgiveness is MUCH easier. Even though living in unforgiveness is like living in a pile of acid—constantly being scorched and burned, it enables us to latch on to anger and forgo the process of actually experiencing (allowing ourselves the ability to feel) grief, sorrow, mourning, and betrayal. Henceforth… it’s a lot easier to live as a toxic, bitter person rather than decide to let go and move on.

It’s been about two years since I finally decided to start walking in forgiveness, and I’d be telling a bold-face lie if I said it’s gotten any easier. Don’t get me wrong—some days are better than others, but all in all, I still struggle with the enemy of offense in my life. It is difficult to allow myself the grace of processing why, how, who, when, or what I was hurt by in my life when I so badly just wanted to mouth the words “I forgive” you, and then forget and restore all wrongs so I could go about my daily life uninhibited and unchanged (a completely irrational, not to mention, unbiblical concept). It was the most astounding and baffling experience: When I FORGAVE those who I needed to forgive, I actually began to enter in to a period of really intense sorrow for the loss of their friendship, mentorship, etc. It was like I had spent all this time reminding myself of all the negatives…partially doing so to protect myself from encountering the positive, Christ-like, and beautiful parts of them. Looking at a someone who hurt you as human being who was created in the image of God, with a sin-nature JUST like yours is a very humbling and painful experience. It puts in perspective that we were ALL saved by grace while we were YET sinners.

To be rather vulnerable: Going back home last week was a baptism by fire in the reminder of walking in forgiveness (remembering that I, myself have so graciously been forgiven). How easy I found it to begin sinking in to a victim mentality, transforming every positive thought into one of negativity and cynicism in an act of self-preservation and protection from all emotions which would summon grief.  I remembered offenses I had forgotten, and I remembered (all too clearly) how many times I was the offender, and not the offended. How remarkable it was to sit in a room full of people who had known you your whole life and feel like many of them didn’t know you at all. How easy it was to begin to forget all I had been forgiven for. How easy it was to forget my God-given name and calling when I listened to the enemy of unforgiveness and let myself play the self-righteous victim.

It’s quite easy to force your ‘transformation complex’ upon others, simultaneously assuming that you’re the only one on earth God had the power to heal and change. I am not responsible to manage and direct the opinions of others… what I am responsible for is being a carrier of the Gospel and the healing it brings to both to myself and to others. That was the lesson I learned this week. If God can choose to forgive me, I can choose to forgive others.... Day after day after day.

Forgive my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me. I hope I never forget that if anyone was undeserving of forgiveness, it was probably me. Thank you, Jesus for grace and mercy. Thank you for the cross, and thank you for the Resurrection that allows me to live in freedom.

I choose to forgive, because Christ forgave me. Love is worth too much to hoard or squander. Bitterness isn't worth it. I choose freedom.

~Rachel~

Scheduled Creativity

This may come as a rather heretical, contradictory, insane thought:

Sometimes I feel like I need to schedule creativity.

WHAT?!

It's true: I am no longer that college student staying up into the wee hours of the night penning her soul. I am no longer the firecracker blogging in the middle of Romans class because she suddenly had a revelation about the field of flowers outside her window. Unfortunately, I felt like once I got my life together, graduated college, and became a stable human being, I began to lack the initiative to be creative. I started doing things like.... accepting systems the way they were because I was too 'tired' or too 'satisfied' with the way things were. I was satisfied with systems 'sucking less' because that was just easier. It was easier to detach.  It was easier to brush off feelings as 'immature' and 'unimportant' rather than deal with legitimate frustrations or hurt. It was easiest to shut off the section of my spirit that is free and deep-feeling.

About six months ago in the middle of an insomniatic, depressive evening alone (they happen once in a blue moon these days), it struck me:

Sometimes I detach from creativity because it's just easier. Sometimes I choose to get wrapped up in all things mundane simply because I have lacked the initiative to get fired up or passionate about ANYTHING. I had slipped in to the disease of lazy complacency (and disguised it as 'healthy adult living.') Once I started to dissect my crazy, insomniac, depressive syndrome I realized it had been months since I had been artistic or creative about hardly anything! It was a painful realization--I had let a huge part of myself go out of either laziness... or worse.... fear. Fear of facing my creativity and all it had to say.

Since then, I have decided to schedule 'creative sessions.' It's not much, but it's something. It's a conscious decision and effort. It's a choice. It's a battle. And it is good. Since I've been scheduling my moments of carved-out creative time, I have returned to my college-aged ability to process at rapid speeds. I have started to view the world in a brighter light. I have more forgiveness and compassion for others. I have more forgiveness and compassion for myself. It's like a part of me has been revived, and I am not sure why I ever let it die. It's funny what living in total truth can do for you.

So if you, like me, tend to view the world through an incredibly creative, complex, and/or artistic lens...

Do yourself a favor.

Don't let it die: Do whatever possible to keep your creativity alive, even if that means stepping into a mundane box of SCHEDULED creativity.

And those are the thoughts for Tuesday.

~Rachel~

July the Villain.

The truth of the matter?

Sometimes the caverns overtake
And I start to wonder about things
That I haven’t wondered about in months

The fact of the matter?
I’m full of sin and arrogance
Today? I’m a partial narcissist.
(I just spent the last hour comparing myself to other pictures.)

Being real?
I’m not a part of a fit-club:
 I do yoga and stuff
I drink fancy drinks with chia seeds
Forget the health needs:
I like the way it tastes
And that’s all I should need to say.

Honestly?
It’s sunny outside but I’m stuck in September ways
I’d rather think of September than think of today.
I’d take drywall over grass and sunshine
I’d take creeks over malls and cities.

I’d rather bake a pie than eat another cherry
I’d rather have French fries and be a little chubby

If I knew the answer to what invades my dreams,
To what makes me dream these things…
Perhaps I could force myself to sleep

A sigh and a cup of coffee starts the day:
When September rolls around,
I’ll hear July’s scoffing remarks:
“Nothing is okay.”  

But then I remember:
Every July is the same
And September never stops coming.

Honestly?
Today’s just another day,
And truthfully?
I’m okay.
(I’m always okay.)  

 September is around the corner
July's Catastrophe can take her swing
 

I'm several years in and counting. Give me your best shot because I'm not done fighting.

Rachel 

Seattle.

It’s a new place with old buildings
It’s sweet and savory coffee.
It’s midnight and waking up late with headaches.

It’s this place.

There’s a market with people who walk too fast
And girls that smile who haven’t showered
It’s upright pianos and harmonicas
It’s fancy and poverty in one.

It’s musicians in the rain.

It’s godless and it’s full of God
It’s love and it’s hate.  
It’s green but it’s gray.
It’s scheme with no rhyme,
Rhythm without sound.

It’s looking at you and turning around.

It’s mad, but it’s sane
It’s depressed, but it’s okay
It’s fast but it’s slow

It’s staying still and trying to go.

It’s shiny and new
It’s grunge through and through
It’s basements where music's produced
It’s false and it’s true

It’s me and it's you.
It's you through and through.

~Rachel~