Freedom.

 “I forgive you.”
 Three words that can take a lifetime to truly mean.
 

Sometimes I think living in unforgiveness is MUCH easier. Even though living in unforgiveness is like living in a pile of acid—constantly being scorched and burned, it enables us to latch on to anger and forgo the process of actually experiencing (allowing ourselves the ability to feel) grief, sorrow, mourning, and betrayal. Henceforth… it’s a lot easier to live as a toxic, bitter person rather than decide to let go and move on.

It’s been about two years since I finally decided to start walking in forgiveness, and I’d be telling a bold-face lie if I said it’s gotten any easier. Don’t get me wrong—some days are better than others, but all in all, I still struggle with the enemy of offense in my life. It is difficult to allow myself the grace of processing why, how, who, when, or what I was hurt by in my life when I so badly just wanted to mouth the words “I forgive” you, and then forget and restore all wrongs so I could go about my daily life uninhibited and unchanged (a completely irrational, not to mention, unbiblical concept). It was the most astounding and baffling experience: When I FORGAVE those who I needed to forgive, I actually began to enter in to a period of really intense sorrow for the loss of their friendship, mentorship, etc. It was like I had spent all this time reminding myself of all the negatives…partially doing so to protect myself from encountering the positive, Christ-like, and beautiful parts of them. Looking at a someone who hurt you as human being who was created in the image of God, with a sin-nature JUST like yours is a very humbling and painful experience. It puts in perspective that we were ALL saved by grace while we were YET sinners.

To be rather vulnerable: Going back home last week was a baptism by fire in the reminder of walking in forgiveness (remembering that I, myself have so graciously been forgiven). How easy I found it to begin sinking in to a victim mentality, transforming every positive thought into one of negativity and cynicism in an act of self-preservation and protection from all emotions which would summon grief.  I remembered offenses I had forgotten, and I remembered (all too clearly) how many times I was the offender, and not the offended. How remarkable it was to sit in a room full of people who had known you your whole life and feel like many of them didn’t know you at all. How easy it was to begin to forget all I had been forgiven for. How easy it was to forget my God-given name and calling when I listened to the enemy of unforgiveness and let myself play the self-righteous victim.

It’s quite easy to force your ‘transformation complex’ upon others, simultaneously assuming that you’re the only one on earth God had the power to heal and change. I am not responsible to manage and direct the opinions of others… what I am responsible for is being a carrier of the Gospel and the healing it brings to both to myself and to others. That was the lesson I learned this week. If God can choose to forgive me, I can choose to forgive others.... Day after day after day.

Forgive my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me. I hope I never forget that if anyone was undeserving of forgiveness, it was probably me. Thank you, Jesus for grace and mercy. Thank you for the cross, and thank you for the Resurrection that allows me to live in freedom.

I choose to forgive, because Christ forgave me. Love is worth too much to hoard or squander. Bitterness isn't worth it. I choose freedom.

~Rachel~